How can I recover from years of relaxation?

22 Feb, 2026

I learned the most important mathematical fact of them all late in my second year of math PhD: I'm not going to become a mathematician. Realizing this soon in one's PhD is usually a blessing. I had enough satisfactory results to graduate but it would've been too vulgar to graduate early with such a mediocre thesis¹, so I decided to serve my five year sentence. This turns out to be a grave mistake as I spent the next three years in relaxation and haven't recovered since. The early realization was a curse. I ended up scarred, uninspired and lazy. So lazy.

After nearly one year in my first real job, I am still struggling at being a cog in the wheel. I am more anxious than anyone I know there, but the anxiety is purely performative. The feeling is just a defense and does not lead to change. It's as if I have just enough anxiety to feel good about acknowledging how fucked up I am, but not enough to do something about it.

My addiction is at the root of this issue. The right video or podcast has to be running before I do anything "boring", be it showering, doing the dishes or working out. I refuse to let my mind wander around on its own. This is terrible for my job because these quiet moments are precisely when you get clarity and ideas on the problems you're working on. At this rate I'll get fired before the year ends. Something has to give.

Please warn your loved ones about the danger of having years of relaxation. I wholly recommend less insidious mode of suffering, like fruitlessly working on your favorite mathematical conjecture or snorting fentanyl.