Executive dysfunction at work
I started my first full time job last year. Everyone is kind and exceedingly patient with my slow progress at ramping up. I make very little progress in all the things I do, yet I was recently told by the Big Boss to keep doing what I'm doing. Is he secretly trying to document enough evidence to get me fired?
I'm sure everyone knows that I'm a low performer. Low performers can't hide themselves in a small team like mine. It wasn't always like this. I have strong academic records and achievements. I was able to work hard and focus on the things I love. I'm even lucky enough to have some natural talent in the field and progress quickly. Doing well feels so good.
Things are getting worse for me. I find it hard to focus on anything for more than 15 minutes. The self-induced stress is eating me alive. There is no time off. I don't work over weekends but I can't stop feeling guilty about not doing work. A part of me wants to quit this job but I know that is a huge mistake that will change my life forever.
Oh how it feels to be young and stupid and lost and stupid.