Sometimes emancipation demands self-sabotage
So far, this blog has largely chronicled my struggle with my job. I finally handed in my resignation notice.
The urge to quit appeared early this year. The struggles I faced at work and the lack of purpose I felt were amplified by the harrowing growth of AI capabilities. I knew that I would be spit out of the system once my bosses fully understood how powerful AI had become. The narrow skill set I had honed for a decade was becoming redundant by AI, and the only things I could contribute were business context and common sense. I no longer felt useful.
Throughout the year I studied new things on weekends with an eye on changing my career path. Nothing panned out. I lacked the energy, focus and patience to make meaningful progress on any endeavor outside of work. For someone from a third-world country, giving up a US job and going home seemed insane. So I fooled myself into thinking that I'd eventually find another US job that I'd be happy with. I quietly set aside the fantasy of quitting my job until I had a new job lined up.
Something possessed me on August 14. I had received a chunk of my yearly bonus a few weeks earlier, which reignited my fantasy of quitting. It was a regular Friday dinner with my friend at Cocoron. We chatted about our weeks, as usual. Suddenly, I felt a moment of sublime clarity and blurted out, "I'm quitting my job, even if it means I have to go home." It felt absolutely final. The decision was no longer in my hands. I just needed to hit one last immigration milestone before handing in my resignation notice. I was at peace.
Looking back, it's still not clear to me if I made the right decision. I will be leaving the United States in a few months. Many of my friends do not understand my Decision to Leave. To them, it is clear that I've sabotaged myself for no good reason, or out of weakness of character. I understand them. Some days, I don't disagree. This wasn't the first time I let go of something valuable for no good reason. I often regret doing so. Yet I cannot imagine a world where I do not let go.